What the fuck man

You know, I’m getting tired. Getting tired of always being the “nice” guy, always helping, always putting everybody first, above myself. I fake being “alright” all the time. Physically, I am, but mentally, I’m a hot fucking mess. Most people would never know though, because I hide it pretty good. Nobody knows, well, maybe now, that I’m up constantly into the wee hours of the night because I can’t sleep. I cry almost nightly. I don’t know why. It’s not a pity party for me, well, maybe it is, but I’m so tired of it. I’m in a constant state of depression, and I don’t know how to get out of it.

My social life sucks. I work, I come home, to nobody. I hate being alone. I’ve tried dating sites, dating apps, bars, pretty much anything, but nothing. WTF is wrong with me? I did meet an awesome girl at work, I wrote about her before, and our “relationship” has blossomed more to what it was when I first wrote about her. This girl is everything to me, I mean, there is nothing I wouldn’t do for her. She captured my heart quicker then it has ever been taken, saying that, yes, I’m in love with her! Her gorgeous smile, beautiful blue eyes, her demeanor, her attitude, it can bitchy at times, but I absolutely love it!

I hate when she don’t work and hate it even more when she leaves from her shift. But the issue is, our “relationship” is a work thing. So I don’t get to see her outside of work. It’s pretty much a 2 day a week thing. I love every second I can get with her, but I want more, lots more.

And before anybody thinks anything or starts messaging me, it’s not a sex thing. We’ve kissed, never any sex. It’s not that I don’t want to, but it’s not the only thing I’m after with her. I want everything from her. I want her attention, and lots of it. Not gonna lie, I get jealous when she’s talking to somebody else at work and not to me. I’m kinda ashamed to admit that, but it’s true. I haven’t seen her in a couple days, and it hurts so bad. I can’t get this woman out of my head. I want her by my side for ever. I want constant texts and snapchats, phone calls, the whole 9 yards.

I even stopped going on my dating apps because of her. I’m not sure what to think anymore. Am I perusing something that will never be? I mean, I have no idea if we’ll ever be bf/gf, I want to, but will that happen? Who knows. Am I possibly missing out on something because I’m holding on to something that may or may not happen? My heart tells me no, you’re doing exactly what you’re suppose to be doing with her, buy my head is fucked up and has no idea.

I’m lost here